June 13, 2007
It is said that we have fewer than ten seconds to make a good first impression. We’ve all had a run-in at a gathering with that person who talks non-stop about himself while his eyes are darting over your shoulder looking for someone better to talk to. Of course, we’re insulted that this person is keeping a roving eye out for a conversational partner superior to ourselves and we eventually reach the point where we’re ready to chew our own leg off rather than remain trapped with this bore.
Perhaps you’ve been this person? I’m sure I have a time or two (I know a few people reading this right now are nodding your heads. Stop that!). By this point in our lives most of us have heard the tried and true tips to creating a good first impression:
- Dress appropriately for the occasion and make sure your clothes are clean and pressed
- Offer a strong handshake – no “dead fish”
- Brush your teeth – don’t force me to play CSI Miami as I try to identify what’s between your teeth
- Maintain good eye contact without staring in a creepy way
Ann Demarais and Valerie White offer additional tips in their book First Impressions: What you don’t know about how others see you. They write that there are four ways to focus when meeting someone for the first time:
1. How you feel about yourself
2. How you feel about the other person
3. How the other person feels about you
4. How the other person feels about himself or herself
Most of us tend to focus on 1, 2 and 3. We think about the fact that we’re tired or we wonder whether our deodorant has failed. We hope the other person likes us and we try to figure out whether we like them. When engaging in any type of social interaction, we should always focus on how the other person feels about him or herself. Our goal is to make that person feel better about him or herself after our conversation.
Demarais and White write that we help people feel better about themselves by offering four universal social gifts:
1. Appreciation – everyone likes to feel appreciated. Let someone know that you appreciate their positive qualities
2. Connection – this is about finding out where you intersect with someone. Do you have a mutual friend? Common interests? Similar experiences? Common attitudes? People like to feel connected because they feel understood and they feel a sense of belonging
3. Elevation – Everyone likes to be in good spirits and they are drawn to those that make them feel that way. Smile, be playful, direct your attention to the positive elements in a situation
4. Enlightenment – We all like to learn something new: facts, ideas and perspectives. Notice things as you go through your day. Did you just see a movie or read an interesting article?
The key to these social gifts is balance. Focusing on only one of these is off-putting to people. Think of the person who is always “enlightening.” You’d probably soon begin to perceive that person as a know-it-all. When we give these social gifts, we also receive them. People like people who make them feel good about themselves. People will be drawn to you and will give these same social gifts in return.
Lastly, the Aboriginal people have a saying that the Creator gave you two ears and one mouth. You should be listening twice as much as you speak. Everyone loves to be listened to and that’s probably the best social gift of all.
Until the next chapter,Lisa
